Just reread my drift form yesterday, feels quite scattered indeed. It did gave me a sense of joy though. A little restless and clumsy but joyful, open and energetic. That is indeed how I would describe my current state. I also feel a particular in-betweenness. Like some things are finished and some are about to start just that I don’t know yet what that next thing is. There is a very particular physical experience bound to this state. I almost literally feel how my thoughts are trying to move forwards, heading to something that is not there yet. It sounds abstract and difficult to describe but I have a familiar sensorial experience related to this state. When, few days ago, I said I would like to reflect upon these drifts and see how I can move with them forwards, I started thinking about the directions aI want to go. To be honest I don’t have an idea yet, even not a vague one. I do feel that I arrived in a place where things feel less shaky for me personally, and I feel an urge to step out from my deeply personal reflections. But I am not sure yet what will come next. I guess I will just continue exploring my next moves through these journals and see where it will take me.
Since the beginning of my project, I definitely can say that things make more sense to me. I understand myself much better now and it allows me to practice my true freedom. If I look back it is quite impressive to me, how much has happen. It is beautiful to experience the change it boosts overall spirits and desire to use this change for something else. Maybe that is it, I feel a little tired from digging into the depth of my psyche and have a desire to get to work and practice what ever I’ve discovered in these past months. I feel strong and alive, feel I waste time ruminating on something that doesn’t seem to have an urgency. I am ready to build. So what is it going to be now? Hmm.. I don’t know yet. I am curious to see how this not-knowing will sit with me. Usually it would bring me a sense of restlessness and rush me into quick decisions. I don’t feel like doing it at the moment and want to savour this liminal space to see what will come it.
Recently, when I was trying to grasp a rather complex cascade of insights, I came up with a metaphor of a room having bad ventilation system. Sometimes when we we sit with something for a long time, an idea or a thought, it can be compared to sitting in a room where little airflow is present. I personally, when wrestling with something new and unusual, tend to shut the doors and sit there till all the air is run out. Then I get dizzy, claustrophobic and my thinking becomes foggy. So I start rushing into conclusions just to get it over with. I think the better strategy would be to enable the airflow run constantly, making sure the levels of oxygen are sufficient for the thinking process, and stay in the place of uncertainty for a little longer. And leave it when it is time to go and not because it is impossible to spent time in that room. It made me thinking, what could be the way to keep the airflow going and inspire for further movement. Maybe I can create some sort of a memo or a game to keep the air going. In my opinion the fact that we start to narrow down too much on an idea we was to crack, disables our ability to come up with new ideas. We need to find a way fo allow some movement into the thinking space. Other people, books, physical activities can definitely help to introduce movement, but they can also distract from finishing what ever the subject of inquiry was. I am wondering about the possibility of letting in the air without taking away the focus. The moments when ripening of idea happen are precious and must be treated with outmost care. You have bee doing all that thinking to lead here, yet when it becomes too much it stops being productive. I am not sure what I am at here, but I guess I experience the room where the air start to slowly run out. I feel an urge to open the windows and invite movement. Just that I want to be careful with the quality of movement I allow to enter, I want it to be just enough to help me move further and not spirit me away following whatever comes next.