New kid on the block.

While contemplating on the notions of authenticity and attachment, I started to carry them in my backpack wherever I go these days. I direct my interest, position myself inter esse in-between these notions in daily situations to observe my behaviour and decision-making. To my surprise the day is filled with choices between the two. I constantly catch myself facing a dilemma, either I keep the contact or take a risk to stay with myself. To be honest I truly enjoy this curios movement between the two and I manage to get pretty playful with it.

The understanding of the working mechanism and interrelatedness between authenticity and attachment made it easier to shift between the two possibilities. I noticed that the need for attachment is most strongly experienced in conversations. I discovered that I see a moment of direct contact as the only chance to create a bond. Such attitude results into a loaded and intense conversations as if it were the last one I will ever have. The absence of the past and the future in the present reduces my ability to place the conversation in perspective and see beyond the moment itself. I try to build attachment literally as I speak. I use worlds like binding ropes. My insecure, fearful self is a very good weaver, making knots as quickly as possible to make sure I don’t lose the person. Even when words don’t make much sense, they are still powerful tools to keep the attention. Especially when I notice that I start losing someone in the dialogue, I try harder to keep the focus and fall into my broadcasting mode. This mode is rather unsatisfying. Not only it erases the possibilities for the other to contribute, but also creates an isolated comfort zone of non-engagement.

We build walls of words, close the doors and activate defence mechanisms, while believing that we are building a connection. Instead, we feel lonely in our castles, keeping our authentic self locked inside. As I got playful with the exploration of the need for attachment, I tried to reverse the decision-making principle and instead of going for attachment, I went for the desire of non-attachment. To my amazement through these experiments i arrived to a more meaningful and deeply touching conversations. Shifting the focus from desire to be needed to a contact itself, I got to meet my relational self. A new kid on the block. The one who shares her toys, keeps silences, listens, reflects and is open for change as the conversation flows. Every situation and encounter brings connections, everything is in relation to each other. There is nothing outside of it. Try to think of something that exists outside of contact. Impossible. We are representations of our environment and as it changes we are changing with it. In the process of eternal emergence we are bound to stick together without trying too hard. Connection is inescapable. Once we recognise that the stickiness is a property of all matter, the fear of losing will dissolve into nothingness.

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