A small disclaimer right away - a night without sleep, 10 kilometres walk and +35 degrees today. Beware, I am as foggy as I can get. It was a good day though. I went through quite some fluctuations in my emotional landscape. The ones that stood out where anticipation, excitement, frustration, helplessness, confusion, disappointment and surrender. I’ll start with anticipation and excitement. I am guessing having them so vividly present contributes to the rest. Main reason for me to go to this trip was to spend time with my parents and try to bring some freshness to our connection. I wanted to update them on how everything is with me and update myself on how they are doing. Feel in to what is alive for them at the moment, try to see them better than I normally did. I was eager to share my change, insights and all the beautiful new ideas and activities I have. My anticipation of this moment and excitement took over reality and started to live a life of their own.
So, as that world started to fail, the actual reality started to unfold and affect my expectations - frustration started to kick in. I was catching myself between wanting to engage and share, and drifting away from contact. I literally could notice how I wasn’t motivated to be in the moment. It felt confronting. Here I am, the one who’s grand plans fall apart as I actually have no idea how to be present. During the day I had several attempts to share what is happening in my life, talk about academy, work, new discoveries, but the conversation isn’t flowing. I notice how the way I deliver information is not open enough to participate. The engagement becomes not an engagement but broadcasting. Now I can catch myself quicker than usually and I pull back letting my grip go. Practically, what is happening, I get spirited away in sharing, taking over the space and eventually talking into silence. Then somebody wants to engage, but it is difficult to do so due to the nature of my speech being too far away from the reality of my parents. Mostly someone just takes the conversation elsewhere, shifting focus on something that is on the table, or a topic which is far removed from what I shared. In a way, at first I found it disappointing, but then started to appreciate those moments as it was bringing the conversation back to the centre. Only that it didn’t help me to share what I wanted to share. So, I am thinking, do I really need to share what I want to share or maybe just being there talking about small things is enough. And perhaps taking it slow today is the best option.
I have been strict with myself as well as with my parents. It is quite a fun new thing to notice these shifts in the conversation though. I get a sense I react much better when I have to let go of my broadcasting. I am very happy it isn’t so precious any more. I will try something different tomorrow, for now will pause this stream of thoughts as I am also becoming very aware how irrelevant this drift might seem to you.